its been a while

I haven't written in FOREVER and soooo much has happened... So I think as part of the changes I am making in my life I am going to incorporate writing on here... So after not talking for forever...he called.. but of course they were fighting.....and once everything became okay between them he disappears again... but what he said and the things he brought up are still on my mind, .......oh and starting tomorrow I am starting my 365 project! =) hopefully it has the outcome I want to...but i guess we will find out in 365 days! lol

So you remembered everything from "us" and you miss me (in my mind only when you are fighting with her) you have no idea why you are with her when she makes you so upset 95% of the time.. You wanted me to fly out to you... I would/wouldve done so in a heart beat if I knew you really wanted me there... but you dont know what you want...Im starting to think you never will...I chose this picture because when you called the other night and we talked for 5 hours and hung up 30 minutes before I had to be up for work you said you wanted to go to the beach at night and find another bum.....one of our very first dates....it should me something different about you... but then you went back to the you i dont like and the you I want nothing to do with......... I'm pretty sure you need to figure you out....I mean you even went as far as asking if the guy I was feeling was out of the picture... and then told me you missed me and goodnight that you would call me tomorrow....did tomorrow ever come?

"Though you're gone, you're still here in my heart, in my tears, yeah you sure left your mark, and we were just getting started....it wasnt long enough together.. but it was long enough yeah it was long enough to last forever....Forever by Rascal Flatts...

I dont even know anymore. I think Im in a little over my head. Online classes suck and I dont even know what to do! Im just gunna keep on trucking. Today I listened to the all time low....weightless....thank god for them.. haha.<3 Anyway I think I've come to the conclusion that I just miss having that "someone" in my life. I'm trying to slowly ween him out of being that person thats ALWAYS there for me to just being a friend...but hes is making that completely impossible. But on the other side of that he tells me to "Talk." and then when we do hes just different and cold and I don't know. I'm at a spot in my life where I really really need a friend...........I really need to go to homework so I can drive to Palm Bay and see Mike tonight =) I haven't seen him in soooo long so yeah!

Thanks to ATL I feel much better about life... still not 100% but I always keep on truckin'!




"Maybe it's not my weekend
But it's gonna be my year
And I'm so sick of watching while the minutes pass as I go nowhere
And this is my reaction
To everything I fear
Cause I've been going crazy I don't want to waste another minute here" Weightless---ATL

Guess Goodbye was not good enough yet...

Its been a while... and it is sad to say but I have needed this blog more than anything right now. So I let him back in my life... well he found his way back in and I am too emotionally drained (for various reasons) to fight against it. I am trying not to let him be that guy that I turn to but he's getting mad. We had a talk the other night about her and everything. Apparently she doesn't want him talking to me (which we knew) but he told me he can't do that...I doubt he told her that but thats what he said to me. I asked him why he couldn't not talk to me and he couldn't give me an answer. All he said was I can't do that, I just can't. It just kills me because I doubt she knows. I'm glad he's happy, and deep down I do hope we can be friends but at the same time I hate him lying to her just to be my friend. Idk I guess I got a lot to think about.

So I've had some major major meltdowns this week... Not like crying meltdowns but they were depression meltdowns... I thought three weeks ago was bad.... This blew it away. Guess who came to my rescue?!? Yep of course he did. Then when I wouldn't tell him what was on my mind or bothering me he got all pissed and when he said he was worried about me I told him not to be and he said WTF and just got mad. I want to tell him he's not that guy in my life anymore but I just don't know how. 

This trip as ALMOST been a disaster... I realized a lot about myself and my family... Some peoples true colors came out......and some people finally finally realized some extremely important things about a lot of situations. I have A LOT A LOT of thinking to do.  And on top of everything. The guy I have been "seeing/talking" to texted me today just to say Hi and the other day he did the same so we were chatting and what not and then when I brought up hanging out he was like working and I was like ok and hes like oh yeah I got a girl now too. Hahaha I was like awww thats good =) lmao Im such a sarcastic person some times. hahaha 

I really need to figure a lot of things out because these feelings and thoughts I have inside aren't good....And this time I really think I passed my breaking point...

Anyway Back to Florida tomorrow actually in a few hours!!

"I run my life...or is it running me? Run from my past, I run too fast. Or too slow it seems. When lies become the truth. Thats when I run to You.....This world keeps spinning faster, to a new disaster so I run to you.........When it all starts coming undone... you're the only one I run to, I run to you..." Lady Antebellum...I Run To You

Harder Than I thought....

Although I havent cried yet ( Kind of shocked but maybe Im not going to...) but for some reason this picture just seemed fitting...

I was going to write my blog yesterday but I was trying to just keep my mind off of everything. For the most part it worked. I had a little set back I gave in and texted him back, but nothing major. I realized yesterday how hard this is going to be because I also realized a little part of me didnt/doesnt want to let him go. I love/d him... but I needed to forget that. I deleted him from my phone book and everything else except I still had all the text messages which also meant I still had his number. I had EVERY text message he and I have ever sent each other, some of those I really didnt want to forget about. So I did a bad thing and reread ALL of them. I got a decent way through them when I woke myself up and was like WTF are you doing? how is this helping you? I knew it wasn't so right then and there I deleted them...ALL of them....gone! Besides those messages that used to make me smile and fall for him even more being gone...also thrown away with those was his number. Yep I no long have his phone number. I think it might be in my computer because of the iPhone but I have no desire to check...because at this point I dont even remember it and Im content with that. 

So Im going out tonight... the only bad thing about it is Im going out in Orlando. I always go see him when Im in Orlando. Part of me wants to call him or email him and tell him to come out or  that same part of me wants to accidently run into him but I know its not worth it. He's got his youngin.....they can go out to chuckie cheese the once in a blue moon they will get to see eachother  considering shes young and lives in Ohio... haha thats so horrible of me but Im just over it! Oh! I sent her an email....I know shes on vacay in florida right now because he finally met her so she hasnt read it yet, but i basicly just told her I know that I am the last person she wants to hear from but there are some things she needs to know.... hes gunna hate me but at this point I really dont care.... he turned me into this person I never wanted to be, and like my cousin said he has done more harm than good. Even though I love/d him I have come to the conclusion I really really dont need him in my life. He always wanted to be the guy I turned to with every little thing...and would get mad when I told him he wasn't that guy... now I know that was his way of holding on... but he needed to make up his mind and he never will....So this is day 2 of not speaking or having contact......and so far so good... I feel a little sad here and there but it will all be fine =) Goodbye.

"It's never enough to say I'm sorry It's never enough to say I care....Trying to turn around on a one way street I can't give you what you want And it's killing me and I, I'm starting to see Maybe we're not meant to be It's never enough to say I love you No, it's never enough to say I try It's hard to believe that's there's No way out for you and me And it seems to be, The story of our life....There's still time to turn this around Should we be building this up Instead of tearing it down But I keep thinking Maybe it's too late....Maybe were not meant to be...." Theory of a Deadman

So Goodbye was said....

The "Goodbye" came a little sooner than I was planning on it coming. I guess it was better this way. So there is no concert tonight, apparently he had something to do for school. I took it as my opportunity to tell him what I finally needed to say. As my cousin but it to me today... he has in fact done way more harm than good. I guess I was always trying to find the good that he let everyone else only see. I was the one that saw this other side of him and kept wondering how no one else saw it and how they all adored him, all my friends and all my family. He had them all fooled. Well no longer. My message to him... "Such a bummer you cant come but anyway I guess you wont mind this, but GOODBYE. for real this time." His reply (which is driving me absolutely crazy) was "." thats right all I got was a freakin' period. Now that he's outta my life theres one thing left to do. Compose the email to "her". 

With him I became the girl that I had always hated. I have been cheated on in most of my relationships and I always wondered how those girls could do that.. and I hated them. Well he turned me into one of those girls. I knew very well they were "together" but he just made it seem okay. Well he no longer has me fooled. I know she is too young most likely to actually see his game, and knowing the situation he will talk his way out of it. But I am going to do my part. She needs to know, and plus maybe I can stop beating myself up over it and just maybe it will make me feel a bit better about the situation...

Goodbye forever....have a good life... No more I miss you but dont tell her... Im done! and I couldn't be happier right now...

I couldnt decide between two songs because half of me feels one way and then deep deep down feels a little bit of another way.

"And does she know? Know about the times you used to hold me, wrapped me in your arms and how you told me I'd be the only one?....Cause I'll be there in the back of your mind, from the day we met to the very last night and it's just too bad, you've already had the best days, the best days of your life...with me was a fairy tale love. I was head-over-heels 'til you threw away us.....I heard you're gonna get married.....live out my dreams with someone new, but i've been told that a cheater is ALWAYS a cheater so I've got my pride, and shes got you..." -Kelly Pickler

"We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go"- The Frey....Idk a little little little part of me feels this way.

Here Comes Goodbye.....

So I fell in love... not the "love" most people experience in most relationships but the love love that everyone hopes to find. Although I did not say it first and did not say it right after he did, I still felt it all the same. As time passes I began to notice something was not right. Long story short, the entire time he was in love with another girl. Although for a while he chose me, and they went to not talking, somewhere along the line she came back and he "chose" her. I put chose in quotations because he did not 100% "chose" her. His actions and words towards me were way stronger than a simple "yeah we are "together" but it has to be a secret" (long story as to why). I started getting texts that said he missed me, my kiss, my touch, everything. Then it started that every time we hung out we started getting "closer" kissing and holding hands...the usual boyfriend/girlfriend acts. Things were good, but then every time we would be cuddling on the couch, he would say please dont tell her. promise me you won't. and then he would say, I dont wanna lose this but I dont wanna lose her either. And it always just broke my heart a little more, but t was one of those situations where I did not want to lose him completely so if I couldn't be with him be with him atleast we were friends.
About a week ago I had a party with my friends...and he came. He once again acted like my boyfriend infront of everyone. And to my face he was telling me how much he missed me and how much he was gunna miss me when he leaves and that I would have to come visit him and yadda yadda yadda, I was on cloud 9. I tried so hard not to believe him, and I told him "your just saying that." and he insisted he wasnt. I went to see him monday night and things just werent the same. We then went a few days without talking (him not answering my texts and all that) we finally talked last night. After doing the usual how are you? whats new? he dropped the bomb. " I FINALLY met her!" and I was like what? who? and he said HER. I still didnt get it so he clarified. My heart sank. I tried to sound excited but I know he knows me better than that and read right through it. He then proceeded to tell me how it went and how nervous he was and blah blah blah. I almost couldn't take it but I stayed strong, as he told me how amazing it went. I hung up and went back to work...thinking about it the entire time. She doesnt know we talk, she doesnt know we hang out, she doesnt know we kiss, she doesnt know anything. He's pretty much cheating on her and lying to her...but thats his game. We are going to see a concert tomorrow night..... the only reason I am still going is because I am making it my last and final goodbye.
After talking with a friend last night I think I have made the decision to go have fun tomorrow night, then tell her everything, and then completely cut all times with him... as hard as that is going to be...


He has no idea but... Here Comes Goodbye.......

"Here comes goodbye, here comes the last time
Here comes the start of every sleepless night
The first of every tear Im gonna cry
Here comes the pain, Here comes me wishing things had never changed
And she was right here in my arms tonight, but here comes goodbye"- Rascal Flatts